Concussion Notes

It has been 5 weeks and 2 days since I was concussed. A random person did a backflip into my face. He landed on top of my head and on my right AC joint. I was knocked out for 40 seconds or so and just missed hitting my head on concrete by about an inch. I’m very fortunate that I didn’t hit concrete. I’m very fortunate I had no internal bleeding in my brain.

These past several weeks have been a return to some of the most difficult periods in my life. I am experiencing massive bouts of anxiety & panic attacks, bad depression, this fuzzy blankness where I don’t know what I’m doing, an abject fear of everything, and moments of just straight blankness.

I am oscillating wildly between wanting to be held and cared for by loving arms and wanting nothing to do with anyone. I am struggling to control my responses to outside stimuli ranging from lights and sounds to the perceived slights of others. I am often angry and bewildered. Every time I try to connect with others, assuage them, hold them, discuss my feelings, handle interpersonal conflicts, etc I am doing it poorly and creating situations that are worse. I am driving wedges between myself and the world around me.

My self-care has been lost in this influx of storms in my emotional body. My self-esteem has been shattered. My ability to love myself and forgive myself for error has been damaged.

I have been auditing my life and this space I am now in. It turns out this is the 4th concussion I’ve had in my life. It took this event for me to put these things together. Once I was hit from the rear in a car, once I was hit head-on in a car, once I was thrown off my bike and landed on my head. And now this.

I have cared for others with a TBI in the past and didn’t really understand or make any connection back to my life or my experiences. This has been educational for me as I’ve realized I’m just as bad at being injured as others. I’m just as grumpy, out of control, unable to see the greater context, and in need of care as anyone. I’ve never really thought I deserved to be cared for. And now when I’m in need of it the most I’m not there for others, I’m losing myself to my fear, and I’m missing out on being with those I love and respect as a result.

It’s getting better. The anxiety attacks have been lessened over the last few days. I’m starting to see the damage I’m doing to myself and not just think others are doing it to me. The constant headache is still there but it’s lessened a great deal. I’ve given up trying to persuade myself and others that I’m fine.

I’m sorry.